real peace is just a step to the left
by smileyfacebabe
Summary: Sound and the Akatsuki were set to attack the combined forces of the Leaf and Sand villages, but Naruto had a plan. (Otherwise known as the true tale of how Naruto saved the world. No, really, Gaara, I wish this plan was a joke.)


Author's Note: Alright so listen up. It's my sister's birthday and she requested a certain type of fic. But for the fucking life of me I couldn't write it seriously. Nothing I did worked. So here you go, the fruits of my labor, the most crack ridden piece of shit I have ever written. I love it though. Fuck me sideways, do I love this piece of shit.

Dedication: To my sister. I'm sorry I couldn't give you the quality of fic I wanted to. Hopefully this makes you laugh.

Disclaimer: Don't even look at me, okay. I don't own anything but my shame.

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"I have a plan," Naruto declared to the room. The door he had just shoved open hit the wall with a bang and the people crowded inside the room all whirl to look at him. There were varying degrees of annoyance on almost every face, but the most annoyed by far was the Hokage.

"Naruto," the Fith Hokage growled, "We are having a very important meeting. If your plan is another variation of your last six plans, I don't want to hear it."

"Hiding laxatives inside a fake peace treaty cake was a very good idea," Naruto defended. The group in the room, also known as Konoha's best tactical minds and leaders, blinked at the blond teenager, a little baffled.

"Naruto," Sakura said sweetly. "Please stop talking before I shove my fist all the way up your ass so that Kankuro can use you as a new puppet."

The visiting Sand ninja winced. He looked torn between finding the pink haired nin's threat too horrifying to consider and a little hot. Naruto sympathized, since that was how Naruto had felt about Sakura since she had learned to break boulders with her pinky finger. But Naruto ignored his teammate, pushing farther into the room and toward the Hokage's desk.

"No, no, okay, I have an even better idea," the fox spirit's container swore excitedly. He planted his hands on the Hokage's desk and stared down the blonde woman, intent on getting his way. "You've gotta listen to me, Baa-chan, I swear, it'll help us win for sure!"

"Naruto," Sakura started to hiss, but Shikamaru cut her off.

"He won't leave until he's pitched his idea," the lazy brown haired tactician reminded her. "Might as well let him go ahead and do it. It'll give me more time to nap against this wall anyway."

Ino hit Shikamaru in the arm and he yelped before scooting a few inches further away from her. She followed, scooting her butt and back along the wall, until her shoulder was pressed against his. He muttered something that sounded a lot like _vile crazy woman_ and everyone in the room pretended they weren't gagging at the way both of them smiled just a bit. And then, lo and behold, Naruto pitched his plan for the Totally Awesome Surprise Attack That Would Save the World. When he was finished the room rang with silence, the lack of sound so deafening Naruto almost flinched. Then, like a miracle, Shikamaru spoke.

"I hate to admit it," Shikamaru said as he straightened up from his slouch against the wall. "But that might actually work."

The silence intensified. Naruto beamed from ear to ear while the rest of the room just stared.

"Gaara is never going to fucking believe this," Kankuro muttered. His head tipped up as he looked at the ceiling. No one else said anything, but they all agreed nonetheless.

"Well," the Fifth Hokage said slowly. She looked like she was trying to figure out whether or not she was having some kind of weird drunken dream. Behind her Shizune stood, pale and horrified looking, shaking her head side to side in dawning horror. At the dark haired woman's side Sakura stood looking almost identical, only with more murder in her eyes than horror. Finally the Hokage sighed, slumping forward onto her desk.

"If Shikamaru says it'll work, then, well, I guess we might as well give it a try."

Beside Sakura Jiriya began to laugh, loudly and wildly. Everyone in the room felt chills race down their spine in an uneasy sense of dread. Everyone except Naruto, that was. But in the end it was the best plan they could come up with to defeat the combined forces of Akatsuki and Sound ninja.

And so, with much reluctance from most of the village, the plan was set in motion. Kakashi had assumed it was a joke right up until they were mid-battle with the Akatsuki and Naruto, who was in the forefront of the battleground facing off against Pein, started the handsigns for a jutsu he only seen in Top Secret Meetings.

"Wait," Kakashi said, pausing momentarily. Next to him Gai slid to a halt as well, flashing a bright smile toward his rival. "Was Naruto being serious in all those meetings?"

"Why of course he was," Gai cried. Nearby other Leaf ninja were taking notice of the handsigns Naruto was making. Kakashi watched with a sense of dread he had only experienced a few times in his life as everyone, Tsunade, Sakura, and Gaara included, turned to face the Akatsuki and Sound ninja they were facing with complete still faces. Their enemies drew back a little, cautious and scared, and with a loud cry Naruto completed his last handsignal, summoning a tiny frog at his feet.

A tiny, itty bitty, purple skinned frog just sitting in between Naruto and the infamous leaders of the Akatsuki. Kakashi braced himself to watch one of his students die as the whole world stilled, Naruto standing there, looking so damn pleased with himself. And then, well, there was the signal. The frog opened its mouth and out came a deep voice's cry for action.

"WHAT'S COOLER THAN BEING COOL," the little frog cried. The answer was shouted across the battlefield by the combined forces of the Leaf and Sand villages and their voices echoed into the surrounding area in a rather impressive way.

"ICE COOL," the force cried, lead by a rather over enthusiastic Naruto. Then the chant went up, repetitive and forceful.

"ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT," they shouted, again and again. Kakashi refrained from joining in on the shouting, but when Gai took their first dance position the Copy Ninja followed his example. He wondered vaguely where he had gone wrong in life to end up on the battlefield in a dance flash mob surprise attack. The frog provided most of the music, all arranged based on catchiness and similar rhytmn to make dancing easier for everyone. There were various pieces where several dancers broke off into sections to dance in pairs and trios while the rest became backup dancers. And to everyone's utter horror, it actually seemed to work. A little. Sort of.

"What the fuck," Hidan cried a few seconds into their performance. "The fuck kind of drugs are your fucking villages on?" Nearby Deidara quietly hopped upon a clay bird and coasted up into the air, embarrassed by how impressed he was at the groups' coordination as a whole. Kisame, however, turned to squint at Itachi who stood nearby, staring at the pink haired medic ninja with a gobsmacked look.

"This explains a lot, actually," the Mist ninja muttered. Itachi didn't even respond, apparently too horrified to function properly. Kisame didn't really blame him, but he did take note of the way Itachi's gaze was fixated on the motions that Haruno girl could do with her hips.

In the end their enemies were a little too horrorstruck by the dancing to realize they were being attacked by the second stealth team, led by Sai and the rest of the ANBU forces. Sasuke was captured, the Sound forces were eliminated within seconds, and the Akatsuki were surrounded, neat and clean, just as Naruto finished the last flourishing hip-wiggle.

Pein narrowed his eyes at the blond from his position amidst his members. "Interesting," he said quietly. "Do you give dance lessons?"

Naruto blinked. He had never really thought about it before. "Depends," the blond hedged, eyes narrowing at the other man. "I mean, I don't normally go out of my way to interact mastermind criminals…"

"That is the largest sack of frogshit I have ever heard," the Fifth Hokage grumbled. She hadn't been happy about the tap dancing number, due to the fact that it made her chest hurt. But Naruto had been insistent and, to be fair, the plan had worked rather well. Pein only hummed.

"What about reformed mastermind criminals," Konan asked calmly. Naruto lit up like a firework, beaming from ear to ear.

"Sure," he said happily. "We can start on Monday, after you sign the peace treaty. Sound alright to you guys?"

"If you ever valued me, Jashin-sama," Hidan said, "you will strike down all these heathens. They are obviously taking all the fucking drugs they can and I'm honestly fucking terrified right now."

But Jashin did not strike down the Leaf and Sand villages. The tale of how Konoha and Suna defeated the reknowned criminal group known as the Akatsuki was told for decades afterward, but, to be honest, no one really believed them. Naruto sulked about that fact for the end of his days.


End file.
